One wonders….

From a piece of unsolicited email I got this morning comes an absolutely exquisite piece of writing.  I’m sure this makes sense in some contexts, but it is reason number one why you should not have your all star business analyst write marketing copy:

Gartner has published the “2015 Gartner Magic Quadrant for Data Warehouse and Data Management Solutions for Analytics ” and we invite you to read a complimentary copy of this important research. Not only has Actian been positioned in the Visionaries quadrant, but we’re in the highest position for 2015.

Enterprises recognize that a gap exists between the massive scale of Hadoop and its ability to meet the needs of enterprise customers.  Actian bridges the gap with high performing SQL analytics, running natively in Hadoop, to provide enterprise scale and capabilities.  With a suite of customer-proven, enterprise analytic engines, the Actian Analytics Platform supports any data warehouse and analytics strategy and enables organizations to get the most value from their analytics investment.

Gartner collected feedback directly from customers to create these vendor profiles making this report invaluable in your decision on an analytics platform. Actian believes its position in the Visionaries quadrant embodies the company’s deep experience in delivering high performing analytics at scale, proven track-record with thousands of successful customers, and continued industry-leading innovation.

It is a case study in MBA platitudes wrapped in technical language pointing to scientifically proven results.  And equivalent rendering of the work I do would be something like:

Chris Corrigan uses the proven CAS dynamics to leverage the inherent latent capabilities of work teams to produce innovative results available only to organizations operating in the upper tranche of the collaborative performance potential realization. He deploys social technology strategies delivered with adaptive management process such as iteration, course correction, adaptive structures creation, agile responsenand timely delivery of results-oriented action and decision functions within a framework that enables increased social productivity and measurable results.  Your corporate or team strategy is complimented by improved multi-facted communication and engagement  strategy and the sustainability of competitive edge strategies that will help you both sense market shifts and respond to deliver immediate an ROI on every aspect of your organization’s social workflow.

Two can play that game, Actian.